Tuesday, February 5, 2019

The State of the Union: What SHOULD be said vs. what WILL be said

As required by the Constitution of the United States the disgusting human being (barely) we call a president will deliver the State of the Union Address.

Herewith is my view of what should be said vs what will be said.

What he SHOULD say

Good evening ladies and gentlemen and honored guests.  It is with great pleasure that I stand before you to deliver the State of the Union Address.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have looked back over the past two years of my service to this great country and I have reflected deeply on my performance.  What I've seen is not pretty.  I have spent an inordinate amount of time issuing nonsensical tweets, preaching hatred, bigotry and intolerance.  I have royally screwed up congressionally mandated legislation by setting the environmental movement back 60 years, destroying the foundation of  public education, creating confusion and hardship with an incomprehensible trade policy, thoroughly embarrassing our great country with our allies, utterly destroying a flawed but workable affordable health care system and laying waste to an already broken immigration policy. 

I am so deeply ashamed that there is only one thing left for me to do.  I hereby resign my presidency and hand the mantle of leadership to (God help us all) Vice President Pence.  With any luck at all, he'll realize he's utterly unfit for the job and resign along with me. 

At that time we can begin the healing process.  That is all. God bless you and the United States of America.

What he WILL say (or a close rendition thereof)
Hay, hay, hay.  Has this been a ride or what? Am I not the greatest president of all time, ever, in the history of our wonderful country.  Oh, sure. There have been a few minor bumps in the road but that's to be expected given the task left to me.  In view of my very, very enormous success I would like to announce Executive Order No. 600,023 whereby I rename the United States Capitol building The Donald Trump Monument to Himself.  I will then order a pre-approved likeness of me etched into the dome of the building for future generations to admire (at this point Congressional republicans stand up enmasse and cheer wildly for 20 minutes).  I will then immediately issue another executive order requiring every single news agency in the country present to me for approval what they intend to say for that day's news.  By God I'll have no more fake news in my country.

So the good news is you have 2 more years of this unless of course our corrupt democratic House and the phony witch hunt investigation of  Mueller somehow get me impeached but I'll deal with that later.


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